Back to School: Why Connection Comes Before Correction

The start of a new school year often brings mixed emotions into family life. While routines return, many parents notice resistance, emotional outbursts, or a sudden drop in motivation. January is a transition month, and how we respond now can shape our child’s experience of learning and connection for the rest of the year.

Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) reminds us that children learn best in relationships that feel safe, respectful, and emotionally connected. Before we focus on correcting behaviour, we need to restore connection.

When Children Appear “Unteachable”

At the beginning of the school year, some children seem closed off, unmotivated, or oppositional. Homework becomes a battle. Instructions are ignored. Parents may feel powerless or frustrated.

From an attachment perspective, this is not defiance or laziness. When children feel emotionally disconnected or under pressure, their ability to learn and accept guidance is reduced. Stress blocks receptivity. A child who does not feel safe cannot be “taught” in the traditional sense.

A P.E.T. Perspective on Back-to-School Struggles

P.E.T. encourages parents to separate the child from the behaviour. Instead of asking, “How do I make my child cooperate?” we ask, “What is happening in the relationship right now?”

Three core P.E.T. principles are especially helpful in January:

Active Listening before advice - Listening without fixing or correcting helps children feel understood. Simply reflecting what you hear can reduce resistance:

“It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed about school starting again.”

Understanding who owns the problem Not every school-related struggle belongs to the parent. When we take ownership of problems that aren’t ours, we increase pressure and reduce responsibility in our children.

Using I-Messages instead of blame - Clear, respectful communication protects trust:

“I feel concerned when homework is left until late because I worry about the stress it creates.”

January Sets the Tone

January is not about quick fixes or stricter control. It is about re-establishing emotional safety. When children feel secure, cooperation and motivation are far more likely to follow.

In the months ahead, we will build on this foundation by exploring motivation, resistance, and peer influence. For now, the focus is simple: connection first.