When children hurt others: Understanding bullying through connection

Over the past few weeks, many parents and teachers have been shaken by the heartbreaking stories of bullying appearing in our news feeds. Seeing children hurt one another leaves us with a mix of anxiety, frustration, and deep concern. It is painful to imagine your own child being harmed — and just as painful to imagine them being the one who causes harm.

In Hold On to Your Kids, Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Maté offer a powerful reframe that many adults find both surprising and deeply relieving. In Chapter 11, they explain that bullying is not merely a discipline issue — it is, at its core, a relationship issue. A child who bullies is not acting from strength, but from disconnection. Their behaviour signals an attachment void: a loss of safe emotional connection with the adults who should anchor them.

Why Do Children Bully?

Neufeld and Maté describe bullying as something that grows in the absence of secure attachment. When children feel isolated, powerless, or emotionally threatened, dominance can become their substitute for connection. In simple terms:they hurt others to protect themselves from their own hurt.

Often these children are emotionally immature, struggling to access the empathy and vulnerability needed for healthy relationships. Bullying becomes a shield against shame, fear, and loneliness.

And today’s world doesn’t make it easier. Peer pressure, social media comparison, overstimulation, and reduced adult presence all widen the gap between children and the adults who are meant to guide them.

How Can Parents and Teachers Respond?

This is where Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) offers such valuable direction. Dr. Thomas Gordon’s communication skills — Active Listening, I-Messages, and effective problem-solving — help restore the adult–child connection that makes emotional safety possible.

Here are some meaningful ways to support a struggling child:

• Look beneath the behaviour. Instead of asking, “How do I stop this?”, ask, “What is my child trying to communicate?”

• Respond with understanding. A child who bullies does not need more rejection; they need calm connection and guidance.

• Model respectful communication. Using clear I-Messages and involving your child in finding solutions teaches responsibility without shame.

• Stay present, even when it’s difficult. Withdrawing emotionally when a child misbehaves only heightens their insecurity. This is the moment they need you closest.

Reclaiming Connection

The path to healing bullying begins with relationships — safe, consistent, nurturing relationships. Our work as adults is not only to correct behaviour but to restore belonging. Children thrive when they feel anchored to caring adults who can see past the behaviour and connect with the emotion underneath.

If you’re navigating bullying in your home or school — whether your child is being targeted or is acting out — you don’t have to manage this alone. At Parent and Educational Training (www.parents.co.za)  we offer personal consultations and group courses to help parents understand behaviour, rebuild connection, and strengthen emotional safety at home.

We also provide talks and workshops for schools, supporting teachers and leaders in creating environments where every child feels secure, respected, and rooted in healthy adult connection.

Together, we can build a culture where compassion guides us — not control.