What Happened to Childhood?

A Look at Play-Based vs Phone-Based Upbringing | Parent and Educational Training

There was a time—not so long ago—when childhood meant scraped knees, climbing trees, endless games of make-believe, and being called in from the street only when it got dark. Today, for many children, childhood looks very different: it's indoors, sedentary, screen-focused, and often solitary.

So, what happened?

In his eye-opening book The Anxious Generation, psychologist Jonathan Haidt explores how childhood has undergone a quiet but powerful transformation. He calls it “the great rewiring of childhood.”

Around 2010, with the rise of smartphones, social media, and always-on internet access, children’s lives began to shift away from physical play and face-to-face connection toward screen time and online performance. The result? A surge in anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation—especially among teens.

Play-based childhoods used to build:

• Emotional resilience

• Social cooperation

• Problem-solving skills

• Physical and mental health

In contrast, phone-based upbringings often lead to:

• Increased loneliness and social comparison

• Reduced attention spans

• Less empathy and face-to-face interaction

• Disrupted sleep and circadian rhythms

And while the digital world offers some benefits, it often comes at the cost of the experiences children need most to thrive.

It’s also how we’ve begun to over-supervise and under-connect. As Haidt points out, children today have fewer opportunities to explore independently or resolve their own conflicts. Instead, their interactions are filtered through screens—and even well-meaning parents can unknowingly contribute to their anxiety by being too directive or reactive.

So, What Can We Do?

As a parent, you might feel torn. You don’t want your child to be left out socially by banning screens, but you also see the emotional toll.

Here’s where Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) offers real help.

Create Connection Before Correction Children use screens for connection. Before setting limits, strengthen the relationship. Practice Active Listening when your child tells you how important their device is. You don’t have to agree—but you do need to understand.

“It sounds like your phone helps you stay in the loop with your friends. That matters to you.”

Use I-Messages, Not Blame Instead of “You’re always on your phone!” try explaining how it affects you and your family.

“I feel frustrated when we’re having dinner and you’re on your phone, because I miss talking with you.”

Problem-Solve Together Instead of imposing strict rules, invite your child into a Method III conversation. Ask:

“What’s a fair balance between screen time and other activities?”

Work together on creating family guidelines that everyone helped shape.

Reintroduce Real Play Look for ways to gently reintroduce play—yes, even for teens. Hikes, board games, pickup sports, creative arts, volunteering. Kids may resist at first, but real-life experiences are what build emotional muscles.

The Goal Is Balance, Not Perfection

We’re not going back to 1985. But we can bring back the best parts of childhood—curiosity, real connection, creative play—while still guiding our children through the world they live in today.

Let’s raise kids who are not only connected but emotionally secure, resilient, and grounded.

And it all starts with one conversation.

For more tools on how to create connection and communicate effectively with your child, explore our P.E.T. courses at www.parents.co.za. Let’s talk… parenting in the digital age.